Happily Unmarried Ever After…

I was in love with a girl way back in 1985. Well, in 1987 really. It was not love at first sight: it took me a long time to take a liking for her. Indeed, the first time I saw her was in a restaurant, with another guy from our class – and the impression I had was that she was a woman of loose morals. It was because of the generation gap that exists between small towns and metro cities: I came to Hyderabad from a small town, and she was a Hyderabadi; the guy with her was from Chennai (then called Madras). Let us call him Bob, who may reappear in this very personal blog of mine. But I digress…

How can I be so sure that I was in love with her? I will tell you…

A year after she left for the Benighted States, also known as United States of A., I was in a class, and was looking through the window; a woman of small frame, in a saree, in a distance was walking on the road beside the window. I thought, for a moment, that it was Mona. That is not her real name – but that is all I am going to reveal about my personal life. That moment, a year after I was in love with her, I knew for sure that I was in love with her. Then what happened?

I tried my best to go to the USA myself. I thought I could ‘get’ her if I was there: it did not work out. My VISA application was rejected although I had a tuition waiver and all that. In a while, she got married to an American, and not soon after – she gave birth to a bouncy baby girl. She called her, let us say, Zubaidah. It is the name of a woman I knew in Singapore, but not Mona’s (not her real name either) daughter. Another real girl called Mona came into my life later and she told me to try. I did not know what – but I tried. To be good, to be sportive, to run, to do things I was not used to. Sorry I digress again.

I waited for 7 or 8 long years for Mona, my darling’s, marriage to break up, so that I could propose. Oh well, let us go into flash back – in all this time, I never proposed to her, because I thought I was unworthy of her. So then, when she gave birth to Zubaidah, I lost hope. And then I decided not to get married to anyone other than Mona, who stands alone. If God made another one like her, and she chanced to come into my life, I am still willing to walk the seven steps with her – if she finds me worthy of her. I think I will be, because Mona made me a man, the man that I am now.

I am an old sentimental fool, please ignore me if this very personal blog is boring.

I have other reasons to be unhappy, but marriage – or not being married – is not one of them. Ever since I gave up hopes of gaining Mona’s hand, I have been happily unmarried, taking care of my mother. If ever, like I said, I find another one like Her, well I am for her; it is a different story whether she finds me to be the one for Her.

I told Mona in so many words that there is no one like her – so far. What she did, she changed her phone number and cut me off.

I had a dream recently: I call and her husband picks up the phone. He is very polite. As always, in realtime, he says, if I wish to talk to Mona. I said, No, I called to say I will never call or talk to her again and bother her. I know she feels sorry for me; for me to get married to a ‘good’ girl of my choice. But then, I am left with no choice.

Mona, U know what I mean; I am outta your life. I am happy not being married than get into something out of social pressure. And I know I will only make someone else’s life miserable if I do get into something.

God, Father in Heaven, give me the strength to deal with these worldly-wise people who said that I need someone to take care of me in my old age. I am already old; I don’t want to be a burden on someone else. If I am badly off, so then, God (I hope, Sire) will take care of me. If not, I don’t mind dying of hunger and thirst by the roadside….

Thanks for being with me thus far: I feel much better bleeding my heart out like this at this late hour.

My old mother is restless because I haven’t had dinner. I am not really drunk tonight but yes, I feel like sharing my innermost feelings with all who care to listen. Is that drunkenness?

Today is Swami Vivekananda’s birthday: this is one birthday I remembered in long time. Vive Kananda! as the newspapers of the day in the U.S. said…